Thursday, December 4, 2014

Give it a Try. Whispered the Heart.

Today is one of those days which is not a great day.  Woke up with a horrendous back ache.  Sometimes it happens from sleeping on the lilo, which means I probably need to add more air to it because it's not hard enough.  One does occasionally need to add air to keep it firm.

Then there have been the tears. It's hormonal, but even so, on this day my dreams and hopes seem further from me than ever, and one dream in particular seems so far away.  It is a dream I cannot ever discuss in public due to it's proprietary nature.  And the tears come to my eyes when I think of it and how far away it seems, an impossible goal.  And then the doubts and self-defeatist thoughts wash through my soul with their sharp, painful edges to injure and scar me and reopen old wounds that never seem to heal.  This is one of those days when my soul feels the piercings and woundings.

And yet I sit in a place of complete basic provisions of living.  But I want a life, and that is something that always seems just out of reach.  Perhaps that's why becoming a touring cyclist means so much to me... because it's about finding life.  A life unfettered.  A life of exploration of new possibilities.

I had a hard time when I first arrived here because I was so anemic, so tired all the time and still perhaps recovering from the shock of dreams shattered.  Today I feel that shock anew.  I'm a bit put off by foreign travel now because I would be absolutely mortified if I ever had to go through customs detention like that again. I would just be permanently put off forever by foreign travel. Zing! Another self-defeatist shard just carved a chasm through my heart.

 I have started a new Sherlock book, but it's not really taken off yet for me although I know approximately what I want to do with it.  It will build on the foundation I have already established and is a sequel of sorts, but not of the mystery in the first one.

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