Friday, July 15, 2016


Triggers:  I have them.  I'm not certain how many I have but one that keeps coming to the surface is the trigger of "You're a bloody idiot."  These are not words that other people speak to me.  These are words I speak to myself.  Last night was a prime example, and I snapped (and quickly apologized!) over something very minor, because I felt as if my intelligence and life skills were being questioned.  All over a can of compressed air.

We have a cat here that likes to escape the grandma's house, and so we chase him away from the door with a spray of compressed air.  And that's fine... when the can is working, which is doesn't always for me.  So I said, "this can isn't working," and I was firmly told there was nothing wrong with it and then was asked if I knew how to use it... and then my trigger erupted.  Because I'm not stupid and of course I know how to use it.  I'm not an idiot!  The can was tested by other person and of course worked just fine, but by then I'd lost my temper and was really pissed off.  I use those cans all the time to break up cat fights, and I went home to sulk and stew in my own distemper.

I don't know why it bothers me so much, but I just feel demeaned, even though the person wasn't all all calling me stupid, although my ability to operate a simple compressed air can had been called into question.  The point is, that being made to feel stupid is a trigger for me to erupt into anger.  I'm sure it's rooted way back my childhood. Things that were obvious to other kids in school were not obvious to me, especially in math.

Math is one of the infuriating things that can drive me to anger very quickly.  Simple math is all I'm good for and even then I use a calculator.  And what use was all that frustrating higher math for anyhow in my daily life?  Absolutely nothing.  All that stress, all the tears, all frustration...and I knew even then that it was a useless thing for me.  Math is one of those things in life that can trigger feelings of being stupid and useless faster than anything else.  So I generally avoid it.  Balance my checkbook?  Never.  I only write one check per month (rent), and I can instantly access my account at any time to know how much I have.  Thank you, internet.

At least I am aware of this trigger, but I am sure it will manifest for the rest of my life.