Thursday, June 23, 2016

20 months later

It's been 20 months since I came to San Gabriel on the heels of life-altering events.  And what has happened?

1.  I've taken up oil painting again.

2.  I've bought myself a new camera and am taking lots of pictures again.  That used to be one of my joys when I was out walking my dog was to take lots of pictures of flowers.

3.  I've started making jewelry although it's limited to earrings and some charm bracelets.

4.  I'm writing my 4th novel based on the BBC series, SHERLOCK.   There have been some SHERLOCK ficlets and short stories as well.

5.  I have two parakeets.  One my neighbor found outside, and we caught it, and the other was bought as a companion for it.  Male and Female.

6.  I am not making cookies, and I don't miss it one bit.

A conversation with an old friend tonight, however, has thrown my emotions into a bit of a turmoil.  Why?  Because he was giving me an unprompted Joel Osteen-ish pep talk, and I have little tolerance for Osteen whom I consider a wolf in sheep's clothing.

But my emotions did go into a bit of a turmoil because I couldn't explain just through messages (we were using Facebook Messenger) that I didn't feel a sense of future.  Hardly the thing you would say to someone you hadn't really spoken to for 3-4 years (that's another story).  He said, "You have to think big!"  Now where that came from I don't know.  But here's my issue:

I am crushed. I am ground down.  I have thought big all my life.  Big dreams, pursued, crushed.  Pursued, crushed.  Pursued, crushed.  Shattered.  I have no more dreams to dream, no more goals to pursue.  I just live day to day, enjoying the day and doing my thing.  I don't look to the future.  I don't have plans.  I don't aspire for anything.  It's not depression.  It's reality.  My priorities shifted greatly when I came to San Gabriel with the only things I owned being on my bike.   What fills the apartment is not mine except for a few things I have acquired since arriving to make my life livable or slightly more personal.  Some books and DVDs, some clothing.  A new computer and printer.  I am in survival mode, but I have everything I need.,

I have a few dishes in a Victorian china pattern.  Recently I saw a bunch of it for sale on Ebay from one seller, and as much as I wanted to buy it, part of me is saying, "What for?  It's china that you will never use.  It's just stuff."  And part of that reasoning is that I don't see a future of anything really.  

Now part of the reason I don't see a future is that I feel the imminent return of the Lord for His Church.  The rapture.  World events are moving the chess pieces into place at a rapid rate.

But aside from all that, the thing is, I am content here.  I have all the time in the world to explore my creative side.  Not much is required of me.  How long will it last?  I don't know, but when it's over, I'll just get back on the bike again and go.  I have no sense of permanence anyhow.