2 months of rest

I have now been in this apartment for two months, and it has been almost three months since my entrance into Britain was rejected.  I should have something profound to say, but I don't.

I do know that God is giving me rest, but I also know that I am still planning on being back on the road by March 1 unless God brings something completely drastic into my life that would compel me to change plans. Right now I have no indication of that.

Britain is a lost place of my past - a prenatal existence. I was
born a few months after my parents returned to the USA in 1959.

I try not to think of Britain.  Perhaps it because I feel the burn and scarring of the experience still, and my hunger to be there is not nearly as great as it was.  I'm still a little shell-shocked from customs at Heathrow.  Yet I know that someday I'd still like to see Britain from the seat of a bicycle.

I know there are people who think I was absolutely foolish to give up my apartment and my job and car to set out on a bike adventure.  Basically homeless.  But I was living a life of not living.  I was existing.  Existing from one bill to the next.  Nothing ever changing.  Nothing ever getting better.  Now I have broken free of that dead-end cycle.  I am in a place of God's complete grace and rest, and it's not the first time God has put me in a place of rest.  The first time was in 1985.  I was twenty-five years old, just out of university with no job prospects having had an extreme roller coaster ride of stress in the spring of 1985 (upcoming graduation with no job prospects, senior recital (voice), and the other lovely little thing of thinking I might be pregnant (I wasn't)).  I had had a job in the town where I lived and went to university, but that was not a job to have (fast food) after graduation.  No, no.  I had student loans to pay.

I don't remember what day I graduated university with a triple major in music performance (voice), History and English, but it was in May 1985.  I moved out of my little apartment in Pueblo, Colorado, and back in with my parents in Colorado Springs.  Of course, it was meant to be temporary until I found a job and could save up enough to move out.  But I couldn't find a job... a job that would pay enough for an apartment and all associated bills plus my student loans.  It was quite a low point for me.

Then in late June I got a call from a life-long friend, Karen Magistrelli.  I had known Karen since 1971 when she was a girls' camp counselor at a Christian youth camp and I was a little camper.  I got an invite to her 1972 wedding, and despite our age difference, we have been best friends since then, and she saw me through many difficult, angst-filled teenage years. I have seen her raise her children and now have a quiver of grandchildren, and we are still best friends after 43 years.  But she called me because that same camp where I had been a camper was needing a cook.  I didn't have anything else happening, and all the R&B was covered, so I went up... and I didn't leave for 50 months.  Yes, I became full-time, year-round staff at Eagle Lake Camp, located in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains above Colorado Springs.  Elevation; 9,500 feet.  In the summers the camp swelled with staff, counselors and kids, but in the rest of the year there was only a skeleton crew.  No room and board costs.  No utilities.  No phone bill.  And I still got paid.  It wasn't much, but i could pay for the student loans.  During the quiet months I felt my heart and life begin to heal... and I found the strength to forgive myself.  I knew God had forgiven me, that I was cleansed by the blood of the cross, but I couldn't forgive myself.  God had to speak very gently to my heart that His judgment was the only judgment, and for me to not be forgiving myself was to place my judgment above His, making my authority higher than His.  I had to let go of my own unforgiveness of myself.  God gave me just over four years of rest there.  He healed my broken spirit and gave me new vision... a vision for screenwriting, and my efforts paid off with my acceptance into master's program at The American Film Institute in Los Angeles in 1989.  I graduated in 1991 with a MFA in screenwriting.

So right now I am in another place of rest, and I will be here until Feb 28, 2015 unless something else happens.  I should also mention that I had brief places of rest in the summers of 1981 and 1982.  In 1981 I got a job at a different kind of Christian youth camp in Manitou Springs, CO.  I would say it was more of 2 weeks of intensive schooling for the kids.  This was Summit Ministries.  Room and board + pay.  Then in 1982 I went up to Cripple Creek, CO, a former silver mining town (elevation 10,500 feet), and worked as a cocktail waitress in the old melodrama theater at The Imperial Hotel.  R&B+ salary again provided.

Right now I feel a little disconnected with the bike.  Mostly I feel it is unsafe to ride around here.  Unsafe, that is, to ride in the main city streets.  I'm not really used to riding in traffic like is required around here.  I know people do it all the time, but I don't like it.  The good thing is, my foot is pretty much healed up.  I'm not limping anymore and that's good.  It's nice to get out of bed in the morning without hobbling to the bathroom. When my landlady took me to the shoe store and bought me new shoes a few weeks ago, I was still in a lot of foot pain.  It didn't matter what shoe I wore, I was hurting.  Now I can once again be on my feet for a normal amount of time without limping off at the end. I think the old scar tissue from lots of ankle injuries just gets strained and pulled now and then, and scar tissue is not as forgiving as normal tissue.  A few times I even soaked my foot in basically scalding water just to force as much heat into the area as possible.  I think I will also temporarily lower the seat on my bike a little.

I have been making lots of English Toffee in the past couple of weeks.  None of it has been for me.  Now I need to make some for me (2 batches) and I still have 3 batches more to make for the landlady.

Life.

New Possibilities

Here I was today just doing some editing on Chapter 12 (as I write this I am actually on Chapter 13) while my Twitter feed was scrolling at an alarming rate when up pops a message in Facebook from a fellow touring cyclist whom I hosted back in March/April.  He's been in New Zealand for the past few months (?) on a tour and will be returning to California on Nov. 22, to his wintering grounds in Borrego Springs.

He suggested that maybe we could ride together some after the wintering.  I am fine with that idea.  I then suggested that maybe I could ride down to visit him while he was down there.  It would mean I was gone from here for a bit, but that's okay.  I'd have to figure out exactly where he was, and it would take me a few days down and a few days back.  But I wouldn't have to carry as much stuff on the bike, probably since it would just be a "short" journey.  Definitely worth thinking about.  Definitely worth doing.

(laces are actually orange)

Would be nice to have a traveling companion who has probably 30,000+ touring miles under his belt.

I've been taken to the New Balance shoe store where I was fitted for some new shoes - paid for by the landlady where I am getting the free rent.  Mens, size 10 - EEEE width.  Yeah, I have funky shaped feet. If they were hairy, they'd be like Hobbit feet.  Then she bought me another pair that were slip-ons so that I didn't have to lace up the trainers each time I had to go outside.  Yeah, probably well over $250 in shoes for me today. And she keeps buying me new underwear.  Well, I have new underwear already that I haven't gotten to, and I tell her that really I can't take all of it on the bike. Maybe a week's worth, max.  Now I have around three weeks worth!  Plus new tops and pants and even a sort of cardigan thing and one skirt (not that I have but the new shoes to wear with the skirt, and the shoes are not really dress shoes!  And did I mention I don't wear skirts or dresses?).  However, the 2nd pair will come in handy for those midnight camping times when I have to leave the tent for the loo and don't want to step on anything nasty.

This is all just another way of how God is providing for me... giving me new shoes for the journey I will be on, shoes that I wouldn't have been able to afford, nor that I had time to go get.  The way I see it is that after the whole Britain excursion was just cut off from me - God completely closed that door there - that God provided a soft, comfortable landing for me to recover from the shock of having my dreams completely shattered.  Yes, shattered.  So the first two weeks were with a best friend, and now I will spend 4-1/2 months surrounded by the love of other friends.  Also, San Gabriel has a lot more hill work that can be done than where I used to live.  So I can build up better.

One thing left to get, really, and that would be a couple of new bras or sports bras.  The two I have are getting ratty.  Would like to get a proper fit, however, and that won't happen at K-Mart or Target, so I will have to just do my best at those stores.

I have definitely been told that I can stay in the apartment rent-free through February 2015, and that's probably about the time I will want to get on the road anyhow.  Not sure of which direction I will go except to head eastward.  If I choose to go with my friend who is a touring cyclist, we'll plan a route together.

A little rain tonight in the San Gabriel Valley with a little thunder.  Much needed moisture.

Feeling blessed

My little kitchen.

Third night sleeping on the floor although the aerobed (or lie-low as the Brits call it, but I don't know if that's how they spell it) did arrive today.  I just need to set it up.  Honestly, however, sleeping on the floor has proven quite comfortable.

Today is when Gail's workforce arrives - people who do her cleaning and gardening.  This includes her sister-in-law, Joan.  Well, I was shocked and blessed when Joan came to my door with a brand new toaster oven and some clothing and towels.  I have been given a LOT of clothing since coming here.  They probably don't understand that I won't be able to take any of these things with me on the bike when I leave, but nevertheless these things are welcome right now.

So today I have been sitting back and resting.  Still feeling like I need to crash every few hours and take a nap, but I think that's still the anemia talking to me.

I really need to get out on the bike and explore the area.  I did find a local bike shop that's about 3 miles away, so I will ride up to them and introduce myself.  I need to get some more ankle bands to secure my long pants at my ankles so that they don't get caught and torn in the chain.  I had them while at Jeanette's house, but one of them disappeared because I didn't put them away properly...and the sock thief, Opie (short for Optimus Prime - he was a Chiweenie), may have taken off with it.  That little dog would take off with anything but mostly socks.  I'm not saying Opie took it.  It could have fallen down between the sofa cushions, and I just never really looked for it.  But, it definitely disappeared there.  Not that I care.  Just need to replace it, that's all.  However, I actually only need to have one for the right leg since it is the one that comes in contact with the gears if not tied down.

Last night we looked and looked for one of the cats.  I knew Sealy hadn't gotten out, but where he was hiding was a complete mystery - and there are only so many places he can hide.  The cabinets in the kitchen are open and we looked in all those, but he wasn't there... then Gail pulled out the top drawer... and he had crawled into the cabinet and up behind the drawer and gotten into the drawer.  How long he was in there we don't know, but a long time.  Hours.  So today I checked that drawer first thing, and he hadn't gotten in there again, but an hour later I found him in that drawer.  So, I have temporarily removed the drawer.  He's not hiding in there from me again!  The cats have not at all warmed up to me yet, but it may take them a few weeks.  I have managed to pet them, however, so there's a little progress.

Not looking back

Right now I am living vicariously through other cyclists who are on cross-country adventures.  I am cheering them on, wanting all to make it no matter how long it takes, and I want to hear about every adventure all the way.

I will go when it is my time, which is not now.  I have two animals that need to pass away first, and although one will probably get put down within the month, the other is not as close to that place, and except for her blindness, she still has the enthusiasm and energy of a puppy at 14+ years.  She has a few years to go.

But as I look forward to going, I am wondering if I will ever look back.  Will I sublet my apartment or just sell everything I own and leave Los Angeles for good.  Will I effectively make myself homeless for a greater adventure than sitting still in a mundane job?  Is it even possible to survive off the bike?  I wonder if I will be looking for a new place to start over.  The reality is that I think I would at least have to put some things in storage.  I haven't checked into that.  If I didn't sublet, however, and if I did put things in storage, there would be no turning back once I got onto the bike.

Unlike most cyclists who do their journey and return home, I don't really feel I have anything holding me in California anymore.  What I came out here for (screenwriting) isn't really part of my life now, and although I love the state, there is definitely an emptiness here, a void that I can't fill.  So I know I need to go.  I need to start over, start a new life, a life of adventure.  

In the grand scheme of things, I really don't know how I would live for an extended period on the bike, and I'd like to have an extended period.  I get tiny amounts of residual money through ebook sales, but can also go for weeks without a single sale.  I know that whatever computer I take, I can connect to the internet via various free wireless places, including a library or most Starbucks, and a multi-year prepaid subscription to skype would enable me to make all the long distance calls I need whenever I have wireless.  Still, I think I would want to have a mobile phone... but how would I pay for it with an extended period on the road?  All these things need to be carefully planned out.

I'm looking into buying a tent and a sleeping bag and other basic camping gear.  I have plenty of time to save up for it and to have it all ready to go for when I do get on the bike and begin the trek eastward.  I'm toying more with the idea of towing a small trailer. rather than panniers.  That will also enable me to take my standing bike pump.

I want to spend some time at the Bicycle Kitchen to learn more about bike maintenance and becoming my own mechanic for more than just changing tires or adjusting screws. I'll need to know as much as I can if I'm going out on the road for an extended length of time for which there is no set return date.

I'm just musing.